Somehow I got redirected to my old Blogger blog today and read this post. It was written EXACTLY one-year ago. I am pleased to say things have changed. Do those people still believe and think those things? You bet your bottom they do. The only difference this one-year later?
I don’t care.
I’m not perfect, I’m not a saint, I don’t try hard enough, I could be doing more. But it’s what those people, the one’s who fend they have done it all and better, don’t understand is that they are playing right into the hands of my guilt. I feel guilty for not doing enough, I feel guilty for not being enough, I feel guilty for not remembering the right thing to say or do, I feel guilty. What these people don’t know is that I don’t need their disappointment to make me feel horrible, I’m good at that all on my own. I have so many shoulda, coulda, woulda’ves that I could turn it into a hefty compilation. I should have went to that 4-year right out of high school, I should have graduated before I was married, I should have asked for the Reglan before my third trimester, I should have done more, I could have been more, I could have tried harder, I could have. Yet, even though I have these “regrets”, even though I fight with this unbearable pain of knowing what I am not, I try to move forward. I try to continue on. I try.
At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passion and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted God be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable to everyone. Titus 3:3-8