Posts Tagged ‘God’

Somehow I got redirected to my old Blogger blog today and read this post. It was written EXACTLY one-year ago. I am pleased to say things have changed. Do those people still believe and think those things? You bet your bottom they do. The only difference this one-year later?

I don’t care.



I don’t write anymore and am not sure why. Maybe it’s out of fear or, perhaps, out of spite for myself. I feel like every moment I spend away from my son during his “awake” time is going to accumulate into a self loathing and will bolster itself into my sons loathing for me. I can almost hear his voice in the back of my head, “Mommy, it’s all your fault. If you had just spent more time with me and weren’t such a selfish cretin, I could have been something more”, or maybe ” I hate you for making everything more important than me. I hate you for not being there for me during my formative years, I hate you for making everything else a priority, I hate you.” (Yes, in my head my child is quite articulate). Most would find this aggravatingly dramatic, but I have no other recourse but to feel this way. I’m spread too thin. I try to make everyone else happy and end up losing the battle. I know it’s the war I’m supposed to be fighting and bolster my ego by reminding myself, “It’s not the battle to win, but the war. In the end, only the war matters.” But I’m already tired, I’m already afraid. I feel like I’ve already lost. There are so many people unhappy with the decisions I’ve made, so unhappy that I’m not doing enough for them. Yet, I have nothing to give them. I can only let their words fester into an ugly sore and continue trying to win their love, their affection, their approval. But, in so many ways, I’ve already lost that chance. No matter how much I’ve tried it continues to become an ugly threat rearing it’s head. Telling me, “Do you remember when you didn’t do this? Do you remember when you didn’t do that? Do you remember when you said that nasty thing or when you weren’t ‘happy’ enough when they told you that?” it’s a constant struggle. I give my excuses, I defend my actions, but no matter what, it becomes a tit-for-tat; so-and-so had to do this, so-and-so had to do that and they were able to do this, that, and dance with a monkey on their head. And all I can do is muster a pathetic apology and admit defeat.

I’m not perfect, I’m not a saint, I don’t try hard enough, I could be doing more. But it’s what those people, the one’s who fend they have done it all and better, don’t understand is that they are playing right into the hands of my guilt. I feel guilty for not doing enough, I feel guilty for not being enough, I feel guilty for not remembering the right thing to say or do, I feel guilty. What these people don’t know is that I don’t need their disappointment to make me feel horrible, I’m good at that all on my own. I have so many shoulda, coulda, woulda’ves that I could turn it into a hefty compilation. I should have went to that 4-year right out of high school, I should have graduated before I was married, I should have asked for the Reglan before my third trimester, I should have done more, I could have been more, I could have tried harder, I could have. Yet, even though I have these “regrets”, even though I fight with this unbearable pain of knowing what I am not, I try to move forward. I try to continue on. I try.

At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passion and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted God be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable to everyone. Titus 3:3-8

I try because He called me to. I try because it is what is glorifying to Him. I try, because after all is said, I am worth it. The hurtful words should have no holding, no bearing on my life. I should not let them control me because it is “foolish” and His mercy should be more than enough. Tomorrow I will sin, tomorrow I may be angry or hurt, but even tomorrow I am one of His children and I know that He chose me for a reason. That He has forgiven me.

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